previously on Dumbgeons and Dragons.
Oh, you guys, I think I found it.
My great grammy keeps getting into fights with her neighbor.
Sick and tired of your lewd garden gnomes just creeping into my garden.
Uh, excuse me, ma'am?
What?
There were just, you know, loving gifts from Grandpa Hotpants, and then they just started going missing one night.
Okay, is Grandpa Hotpants around here?
I bought them off a man who said he was from the fae.
Okay.
That makes sense.
They're moving towards the well, and they're climbing up, and all of them are falling in following the pheromones, and you hear, at first you hear, like, shatters down at the bottom.
Wasn't there water in the well?
Is there water in that well?
No.
It's just really digging through this duffel bag, looking for, yeah, some sort of...
Some sort of, like, mass napalm?
Some sort of large plug?
Large plug?
Yeah.
Big plug.
The well, you probably want your reward, don't you?
Oh, that'd be great.
Yeah, I think we've really earned our reward this time.
Welcome to Dumbgeons and Dragons.
I'm your dungeon master, Russ More.
He, him.
Also with me today is Tom Laird.
Hey, that's me, he, him, and I'm playing Moot tonight, and he also goes by he, him.
And Amy More.
Yes, she, her, and I will be playing Sullivan Sleight, he, him.
Also with us today is Karla Maxted.
She, her, I am playing Glim.
Dragonborn PAlydin.
I said it, because you guys didn't.
Well, now we have to go back and include the...
I know.
No, we didn't do it.
Tom was setting the precedent.
I thought that was how we rolled here.
You did do it, Tom.
I didn't do it.
No, Tom didn't do it.
I just said I'm playing Moot.
Oh.
Yeah, and that's why I didn't do it.
I just said I was playing Sullivan Sleight.
Karla's mixing it up over here.
Way to go, Karla.
Oh.
Way to do the intros, right?
There's a wrong way to do the intros.
I hope not.
Every time.
We have a 0% success rate.
That's right.
We've been doing this for over 200 episodes, and we haven't done it the same way anytime, which is okay.
Because you know where we do things always differently, too, is over on Patreon.
And we have a lot of fun doing it because we have an entire other podcast where Tom does these intros much better than the way I run.
So good.
I don't know.
They're smooth.
There are fun facts for Russ's character in the last few episodes that have started cropping up.
So those are fun.
I'm trying to make fun fact a thing.
Well, then there was one that was like super sad.
Yeah, that was me.
I was trying to ruin fun fact.
No, I think both of Opal's last ones were both sad, fun facts.
Like they started really positive and then it devolved into terrible life.
Fun fact, Opal has daddy issues.
Yep.
So we're really selling it.
So if you want to hear these episodes and these sad, fun facts.
The promo I was hoping for.
Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, where if you're a patron, you get an episode dedicated to you.
Like today's patron.
I'm wrestling the best faces.
Like today's patron, Isaiah Yarbrough.
Thanks, Isaiah.
Really appreciate you being here.
I totally had your name picked long before.
It definitely wasn't out of the blue, Carla prompted.
I'm prepared and we appreciate you being here.
So join us today at Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast.
And you too could be like Isaiah.
And get all those sweet, sweet, sad, fun facts.
And now fuck it.
Let's play.
We meet Mooklem and Sully in the waiting room of the Queen of Tether.
They were put here by Queen Callichrist's receptionist and told to wait just a moment as they will be seen.
And are currently discussing whether to tell Callichrist that Jonathan is not here or ignore it.
So I think that we should probably say that he found some people that he's like really into.
And he's ready to forge out on his own adventuring.
And that we encouraged him to come and that we thought it was a good idea.
But he was like, no.
And then probably say a lot of stuff about like my family doesn't respect me.
My family disrespects my need to be the shadow.
You know, things like that.
Sure, sure.
What what about also though?
What if we just because they're not in communication with one another, right?
Like the the rulers there.
That's the whole reason that we've come out here is they're not really on speaking terms.
So like we were early with Jonathan.
So what if we just pretend like he wasn't with us?
OK, I feel like we need to split the difference.
So I don't want to lie about it.
OK, yeah.
But so we could just not bring it up.
Oh, right.
And that's OK.
But if she asks.
Yeah.
I think, Sully, what you said makes none of that was untrue.
That's true.
OK.
He's off having his own adventure with his new friends.
And honestly, shouldn't his older siblings be happy that he's expanding his horizons
and not just counting on them for everything?
That's true.
Yeah, I think so.
But like what do we know?
Oh, don't say that.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, don't don't.
I as soon as I said it.
What do we do?
We say that he's with the necromancer is his new friend.
OK, well, what do we say?
We need to know who these friends are.
Well, I don't know that we do.
He's a grown ass man.
It's true.
OK.
Yeah.
I mean, if if Calacriss really is like digging, we can share more details.
But honestly, we've seen how they treated poor Jonathan.
I don't think he'll even come up.
I don't think she'll even ask, honestly, because he's not even supposed to be here yet.
OK.
Yeah.
So I think, you know, honest when we have to be.
And then maybe just silent is also an option.
I think.
Oh, yeah.
Strength in silence.
Yes, exactly.
I have experienced it myself, but I don't know.
Yeah.
That I haven't seen that.
But when you just stand quietly, do you feel like other people give you more respect
because of that?
Well, a lot of times they're waiting for for what you're going to say.
So, yeah, I think so.
I think I think there is something to that.
Maybe another time then.
OK.
So how long have we been waiting here anyway?
I mean, long enough that this bowl of mixed nuts is gone.
I'll tell you that much.
You ate that whole bowl?
Well, I mean, you can't just put a bowl of mixed nuts in front of me and not
expect me to eat the whole thing.
Yeah, but have you have you read all all the research on how how just unsanitary
all those nuts are and just how many how many different types of of of poo
particles exist in those nuts?
So many, you know, I have I have read the research, but you saw when we got
seated in the waiting room, like she came out with the container and like
emptied them into the bowl.
So I think that it's about as good as it can be.
I know, but you got to think everybody's got to save a dime.
If you were to only have a handful of those nuts, she'd be putting those
right back in that container.
So you have no idea how many times it's come and gone and come and gone.
OK.
I didn't see her like break the seal on the container or anything.
So that's a good point.
It's a good point.
I take some probiotics.
The door behind you swings open and in walks the receptionist who
introduced themselves as Sandra.
And she has in her hands the canister of mixed nuts and looks in the
bowl and says, oh, oh, you finished them.
All right.
The Queen will see you now.
Thank you so much.
Thank you.
She ushers you to the door that she just walked through.
You walk through it and there's a long hallway that is lined with very
ornate stained glass windows all the way down and a single open,
large, like processional door down at the end of this red carpet that
you're basically walking down.
And what are we seeing in those stained glass?
Is it all just totally megalomaniacal?
Queen Calichrist, slaying dragons and feeding the poor,
purchasing new containers of mixed nuts.
You know what?
Yes.
Largely that.
Like it starts off more modest, I guess you could say for stained
glass windows of like landscapes and just the surrounding city and
territories.
But yes, it evolves as you're walking down into different tableaus
of a king first, who you could probably, with the knowledge that you
have from Finbar, you could presume is the king, Lone and Borwyn,
evolving into a transition of power.
And yes, you see like this queen figure being crowned and then
slaying dragons and feeding the poor.
Suckling another, like a hungry baby.
To her own bosom.
Yes, absolutely.
I mean, I guess nice, but also weird.
Well, it takes a village.
Weird to memorialize in stained glass.
To each their own.
Actually, a lot of them are topless.
Yeah, and there's a few guards kind of just loitering probably in that
hallway, just really taking in the beauty of those.
Sure.
Well, you want to remember your queen for what they're known for,
right?
100%.
So yeah, you do pass a couple of the city guard as you walk by.
Just doing their research is what they're doing.
You make it down to the end of the hall and through this main door and
into, based on what you've seen previously, a rather modest throne room.
This red carpet still goes all the way up to, up a few steps at the
other side of this room to a very simple throne.
There are seats all along as well, but you don't see the same ornate
stained glass that you saw in this hallway.
Just clear-paned windows where there are.
Just rather simple drapes.
And a door opens at the far end and in walks a woman with red short
hair that hangs down over her fresh and charming face.
She has dancing blue eyes that quickly jump back and forth between
you as she has a seat.
And you see that she has a birthmark reaching from her right side of her
forehead running down to the right side of her lips, ending on her
right cheekbone.
She's a tall, full-figured woman and incredibly well-dressed.
Compared to her brother, Finbar, that is.
She carries herself as you would imagine a very regal royal does.
And she leans forward in her chair as you approach.
And with a little smile says, Moot, Glim, and Sully, what brings you to
our fair city of Deremar?
Sully goes into a deep bow.
Oh, please.
Please.
Not necessary.
Well, it's not often that I actually get to do it and want to do it.
It is, wow.
It is really great to meet you.
Your magistrate.
It's a pleasure to meet you as well.
Glim also bows, despite being told that it's unnecessary.
Seems like the right thing to do.
Moot goes for like the hand over the heart and like the nod.
Well, we are here to help to reunite the kingdoms.
How so?
Through the power of communication.
Okay.
So, Sandra said that you mentioned that you had come from Chondeth.
So I guess you were sent by Finbar, perhaps?
Well, I wouldn't say sent by Finbar.
It's just we were chatting with Finbar.
And what sort of came up is that each of the three kingdoms has a lot of
some things and not very much of other things.
And that those things are complementary.
So it just seems like it would make sense.
Plus, you're all siblings.
Share the deep bonds of family love.
Of course.
Open that trade.
Exactly. Open the trade.
The peasants.
To be beneficial for everyone.
For everyone in all three kingdoms.
Now, I love all of this, everything you're saying.
What did Finbar exactly say was the rift between us?
You know, he didn't really go into it too deeply, to be perfectly honest with you.
Was it the sword?
I mean, he talked about the sword.
Yeah, but then he did sort of say that, yeah, that that was sort of the
official story, but maybe not what actually mattered.
Because there were some holes in that story that was sent out to the islands.
It didn't quite make sense, but I guess we didn't really just get the...
What's your version of events?
It was a contributing factor in driving Finbar and Bretton and myself apart.
Now, the fact that they're still holding on to it so many years later,
without actually going out to try and find it, if that's what they so desire.
I mean, as you walk through the city, did you not?
You saw that we are a thriving metropolis, so to speak.
And you think back to your travels through the streets and you saw vendors,
like full carts of food, full carts of textiles, full spices, weaponry,
all that sort of stuff.
My brothers both believe that they can only trade with these three territories.
We are an ocean-bordering province.
So if I can just fill in a bit of the blanks here,
what you're saying is that they're dumb.
I mean, I don't want to speak ill of your brothers,
but that certainly seems to be the kind of gist you're going for here.
Yeah, I mean, after we had our differences, I guess I should speak,
because I felt heated in the moment because there were times when their drive
to find father's sword was so much that they just kept pushing
and they kept hurting themselves and sending more people out there
to try and find this thing.
When I just told them that we could just establish our own lands,
they could be united or joined, however they are,
but they wanted to rule singularly the three under one name like father did
and kind of had that notion.
Now, I mean, Breton is the only landlocked territory,
so trade is a little more difficult.
If he were willing to open his borders,
we would gladly trade with him and allow him allow him passage.
But Finbar sent you here to the least problematic part in this entire,
entire story.
I really feel like I wish that we had a talk to you first.
Yeah, it seems like we maybe would have got a bit of a better picture.
You're clearly looking at the whole the whole picture where they're
very focused on one thing.
I did have one quick question for you.
We noticed all the stained glass work back there.
Oh, yes.
Do you just have someone on retainer for that or?
Well, it's a tradition that my father started.
This was kind of his home base, so to speak.
So as you see, it started and I don't know if you recognized him,
but the earlier images are of him establishing the territories and
bringing the lands together in however he decided to do it.
And then the transition of power,
I maintain it only as a memory of him.
We do have very skilled trades people here,
as you can see, who we pay handsomely for their work.
Oh, they did a knockup job, a knockout job.
They did a great job.
Well, thank you.
I'll be sure to pass along your praise, Sully.
Can I ask, when your father was alive,
he did trade with other nations or just within his own?
Like, I'm not sure where it fell apart because it seems like,
you know, you're a port, goods and people coming from all over the world.
We did establish trade under him.
I mean, primarily because we had all of the resources available within our territory.
There wasn't a large need.
He was more militarily driven.
So expansion was part of his rule.
We haven't done as much, hardly any at all, really.
More defensive borders of my brothers,
which fortunately, I mean, we have a sizable military of 5,000 here just to hold them at bay.
But we have a port, Finbar even has a port,
but is so narrow minded and has such tunnel vision that he wants what he can't have.
And brought it back to your point that they're just not smart.
Well, that's a little disappointing.
I thought we were here to bring family back together.
And it just kind of seems like you should probably just continue doing your thing.
And I don't know.
It's hard to talk about the power of diplomacy when your country's doing very well.
And you seem very diplomatic.
You seem very diplomatic.
You seem like you would be willing to work with your brothers.
So, yeah, I think, gosh, it just would have been better if we had met you first.
Finbar sort of gave us a bit of a different impression about relations between the relations.
Of course, of course.
Well, I mean, I feel terrible that you've traveled all this way
and found that the problem does not lie on this side of the border.
What you're doing is noble.
And I appreciate absolutely everything.
If you wish to continue your quest, your journey to go visit Breton,
I would gladly send a military escort to help you past his borders.
I would warn that he is not, he's not as even.
What am I trying to say?
He's not smarter than Finbar.
So take what you've met with Finbar and put that into a child.
Oh, no.
Not like a physical child, but the mind of a three-year-old.
I believe if I can quote him, and I don't think he'll mind me doing this,
but he said, it's mine, mine, mine.
It's all mine.
Dad gave it to me.
Give it back.
Oh.
OK.
Yeah, I see what you're saying.
OK.
So, your Magistration, may I have just a moment with my patriots here for a second?
You guys, come here.
She leaves the room.
Sandra follows her and says, I'll be back in a moment.
So, we had, you know, she says it's all like noble and stuff for doing this,
and that's great, but I'm remembering the only reason we're actually doing this
was quick talking to get out of being killed by Finbar.
Now, we are out of that situation.
Yes, very much so.
Do we want to now go into a child version of Finbar in order to try to complete this,
or are we OK quitting because it's kind of something that I'm really good at?
So, we could probably just, like, call it here.
Like, I don't know.
Is this part of saving the world, Glim, is this part of the big plan?
I got to say it doesn't feel like it is, does it?
No.
Seems like a squabble.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't at all.
I thought a noble mission of diplomacy, bringing a family back together, that seemed like-
Reuniting three territories.
Yes, that seemed like important work, but Queen, who seems dope and-
Like, really has everything figured out.
Really has everything sort of figured out, taking care of her people, expanding trade,
and then a couple of real dum-dums.
Yeah, the dum-dums is where I'm thinking we're going to run into problems if we continue down this road.
Because if she's willing, if she's willing to be like, yeah, sure, let's do this thing,
but they're both like, no, I want it all, and things, and also being like this,
then it just kind of seems like nothing's going to happen.
How do you, how do you reason with, with someone who just-
Dum-dums.
Yes, who just screams, no, I want it the way I want it.
How do you fight with that?
I don't know.
You can't.
How do we fight with that, Sully, how do we fight with that?
Why, I don't know, Moot, how do you fight with that?
I feel-
Oh, just thinking about-
Yeah, I feel like you're trying to say something, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Okay, so maybe we, we thank her kindly, and we just kind of like, leave.
Where are we going, Glim?
Well, what will she think of us if we just leave?
I don't know, we actually, we don't live here, so we could just be like-
You seem to have things well in hand.
Farewell, Your Majesty.
Good day, madam.
Something like that.
Yeah.
Yeah, okay.
Because it's the truth, also.
But where to next, then?
You hear from down the hall, not from the door, of which the Queen went in,
but quick-paced, heavy, like, plate-mailed footsteps coming down the hall,
and you turn and you look and you see a, one of the town guard carrying a scroll
making his way towards the throne room.
Gosh, it looks really uncomfortable to run in that thing.
Is it hot in there?
It's a little hot, it's a warm day.
Is the Queen here?
Oh, yeah.
She said she'd be back in a minute.
Oh, okay, I will, excuse me, I'll just, I'll just stand back and wait my turn.
Does he turn and look at the stained glass?
No, he takes a few steps back, just kind of in line from you, and says, starts whistling.
What's your name?
Oh, Terry.
Is it short for, like, Terrance?
Yes, yes, it is short for Terrance.
Friends call me Terry, though, and you seem like nice people, so we can be friends.
Oh, wow.
Thanks, Terry, that sounds very nice.
You've been a city guard long, or?
Well, yes, yeah, about 12, 13.
Oh.
Yeah, 13 years.
Oh, you like it.
Do you like it?
Is it, is Queen Calacriss good to work for?
Absolutely.
Yeah, I mean, she's only been in power for, you know, half of that, half of that, I think.
Before that, it was, of course, it was, of course, Lonen, King Lonen.
How is it like working for Lonen?
Lonen was fair.
He, a little bit more of a heavy hand in terms of corporal punishment.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Calacriss, not quite as much, Queen Calacriss, not quite as much.
You know, still upholds the law, but in a fair and just way.
And we all greatly appreciate her rule.
Wow, well, that sounds fantastic.
Good benefits?
I mean, I mean, she, she takes care of her, of her guard and those, you know, basically everybody in the city who, who she can.
What do you mean by benefits?
Oh, nothing.
So, like, do you have just the one suit of armor or do you have multiple suits?
And do you have to clean your own suit?
Yes.
Well, it's, it's, of course, customary to clean your own suit at the end of the night.
But yes, we, I only have the one.
It's quite expensive.
I only have the one plate mail.
Oh, did you have to buy your own?
No, it was provided, but.
Oh, but like if you lose it, you have to replace it, that sort of thing?
Exactly.
Okay.
Yeah.
It's, you know, you have to give it back if you, if you are, if you retire or are, are demoted in any way, shape, or form.
But yes.
And if you do something really cool, is that when they put it up as like a statue in the hall?
Oh, that's if you, if you die in battle, saving the town or part of the territory.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
So more of a commemoration than just something really cool.
I mean, it is usually tied to something really cool or noble or, or victorious.
Well, it's not that victorious, though.
It depends how you look at it.
Fair enough, yeah.
Do the very best warriors get their suits of armor lifted up and displayed in the rafters of this great throne room?
Yes.
Yeah.
As you can see, there are, there are a few up there.
Yeah.
And I mean, those, those ones are completely retired.
I didn't look at all.
I thought those were like airplanes up there.
Yeah, you can't use that, that style of armor anymore after this.
Oh, okay.
Yeah.
What was it?
What's in the note?
You came in here pretty.
Oh, sorry.
It's for the Queen.
Oh, that's super personal.
So rude.
I mean, it just seemed like maybe it was very important.
Well, it is.
You know, there's, there's some.
She just went through that door.
We could, do you want it?
Oh, oh.
She did say she was coming back, but.
I can't believe you asked that.
Hey, when you go to the bathroom, is it really hard to get this stuff all off in time?
I can't believe you asked that.
I try not to, I try not to be like some of the other younger guards and only go when it's an absolute emergency.
I try to give myself time and process that.
And, you know, take my 15 a little bit earlier so that I can have time to disrobe, use the facilities.
Oh, you got to take the whole thing off.
Well, I mean, at least portions there of, you know, it's more comfortable to sit down.
Is there a hinged flap that just.
Well, no, because if you get stuck up in battle, then it's a pretty clear soft spot.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you don't want to take an arrow there.
The door opens and the Queen and Sandra walk back through.
Thank God.
Just in time.
Or is it just a little late?
Well.
The Queen walks back in.
She sees kind of the urgency in Terry's eyes.
He has to pee.
Because he has to pee.
Because this is 15, he had to deliver the letter to.
Just a second, Terry.
So, Glim, Sully, what have you decided?
I feel like we're in the middle now.
I think that was it.
It was beautiful.
It was subtle.
I know you were looking for a jump in there.
I was waiting, but you know what?
I'm OK with it being a standalone thing.
Yeah, it's just, yeah.
Yeah.
It's subtle.
It's just quiet.
I said stop.
I'm Patreon and listen.
We need.
I'm doing it.
This was that you've exactly hit the nail on the head why I didn't want to jump in,
because it was like.
Because it was a wrap.
Is it ice ice baby?
Is it under pressure?
I'm not sure where she's going.
Could be either one.
We would have been OK with either, too.
So.
Totally.
But then I wouldn't have been able to rap if you had chosen under pressure.
I mean.
What is the David Bowie combination with Queen?
If not rap on rap in and of itself of its time.
So anyway, we need a hundred patrons to come and join our wonderful family because
we have this thing in our minds where it'd be really cool to have a hundred
patrons when we reach our hundredth episode.
And you know what?
To help get us to that point and to help maybe give you further incentive.
On top of all the things that Patreon already does for the show, like there's
a lot of things that enable us to be able to create better content, more
stories, get better equipment, allow us to advertise and get in front of new
listeners, new community members, new yous.
I forgot where I was going with this, but we want to offer two months free
membership from now until the end of October.
New and upgrading members.
You can sign up for an annual membership and save yourself not one,
but two months of membership.
I mean, that's a great deal.
It's such a good deal.
Such a good deal.
Love saving all that money for those annual memberships because you just
keep getting the sweet, sweet bonus content all year long.
Well, I have to ask Russ, are you the type of person that you treat
yourself to like two free months and you pay the full price for the other
10 or do you pay a discounted price for all 12?
Oh, how does it work in my mind?
Yeah.
How do you, Russ, treat that?
I treat it as two free months.
So I pay the full price.
Yeah, that's what I do too.
Because then those last two months I'm like, ah, I didn't pay for these.
I don't have to do anything for those.
I'm just getting them.
Freebies.
I mean, I totally understand the other way, but options.
Either one is totally logical and makes sense, but it feels better
having two free months.
Knowing you get those freebies.
So when you go to Patreon.com slash dumb dragon cast, uh, and you sign up
for an annual membership, if you're a new or upgrading member, you will
only pay for 10 months for a full year subscription.
If you're at our bonus audio tier, that's $5 a month plus times 10.
Um, you can do it.
It'll come to you.
Think about it.
Just add the zero.
I know you can do this one.
He's going to do it.
It's 50.
I did it.
You get a bonus episode every month from Tom that Tom runs.
Not specifically from Tom.
It's not just Tom.
I release it into the world.
He births that episode.
I hold it in my hands and then I throw it in the air and say, be free, fly.
And then it makes it to my desk.
Most of the time it comes crashing right back down.
It's true.
You get Dumbgeons Downtimes, which happened every Saturday after a, after a
regular feed episode.
We talk about the episode that happened that week.
What did we think about the shenanigans Russ made us do?
You'll find out there.
All the honest reviews from us.
Sometimes they're good.
And then occasionally they're like, what the hell are you doing?
God damn.
Yeah.
Amy starts swearing and then Russ goes downtime.
This is the stuff.
Uh, we released those plus game time.
We have that tier where we're fortunate enough to play some games with some of
our patrons.
But then we record that and release that as another episode.
Um, and recently last month, August.
Flamikins can's made an appearance.
So things sure did things are just wild over on game time.
And this month we're playing monster of the week.
Carla and I are over there.
We are.
Yeah, we are.
I mean, we are.
Yeah.
It's going to be great.
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Uh, well, uh, to be perfectly honest, uh, your, your great grateful gratefulness.
Um, I don't know how much help we can be in after meeting you in this situation.
It seems you have everything.
You're doing a great job.
It seems like Terry agrees.
Oh, Terry had nothing but nice things to say.
That's how you know.
Definitely agree.
So I think you guys can, you'll probably just figure it out.
Clearly you're a great ruler.
So we're probably just going to hit the old dusty trail.
Okay.
Well, I mean, you've traveled all this way.
Um, you know, stay the night.
We'll, we'll put you up for your troubles.
Sure.
Finbar would have done the same.
She shakes her head.
We all shake our head.
I think at the same time.
Um, but yeah, Sandra, Sandra will take care of you.
That that's just too kind.
It was, it was really nice meeting you.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Um, and she directs her attention to Terry, uh, who takes a few steps forward and says, Queen, the nightgarm has struck again as you three are heading out.
I've bowed and I'm backing.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking too.
Somehow I'm like bowing and backing up.
As you're exiting, he says, it struck again.
It's, it's taken out one of the, one of the farms on the, on the, on the perimeter, taking the family as well.
Glam.
Oh, that's, that's terrible.
I'm extra slowly nodding, bowing and backing up just in case.
Yeah.
Just in case.
She sighs deeply says, well, we need to, we need to send someone out there and try and put an end to this.
It's taken out eight farms.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
Yes.
Sully.
Hitting the old dusty trail.
Here we go.
I just have a quick question.
Sure.
What's a nightglam?
A nightgarm.
Yes.
Nightgarm.
It's a, how would you describe it, Terry?
Well, it's a, it's a.
Thomas did.
When one personality can't think of a description, she just throws it to his other personality who's like, I got you bro.
Fuck you both.
Just building the world here.
I love this.
What do you think, Sandra?
I don't know.
The three of you've got this.
Find out more how Russ can talk to himself.
Patreon.com.
Just all day now.
Excuse me.
Well, it's a more of a, I don't know if it's a lycanthrope, but it's a more of a wolf humanoid creature.
Oh, like a werewolf?
In a sense, we don't believe that it converts back or is driven by the moon.
It has what some reports say, like a jaw that hinges like a snake and can swallow its prey practically whole.
Oh, well that's horrifying.
That sounds terrifying.
It is terrifying.
It has taken, like as the Queen said, several farms and families and doesn't appear to be stopping.
In fact, it's getting more and more bloodthirsty.
Well done, Terry.
Well done.
Good description.
Cold star for you.
Sandra, wouldn't you say that was the best description?
Listen, so it was very rude of us to just intrude on your conversation like that.
I'm so sorry.
However, we may not be able to properly help you, like, you know, unite the kingdoms or whatever.
But, I mean, sometimes we're good at hidden stuff.
Oh, are you monster hunters as well as diplomats?
Well, we're actually kind of world savers.
Glenn, tell them.
Well, you see, I've got a destiny.
They've asked me to not bring it up so often because it can be a bit much.
I've heard.
But anyway, I have a destiny to save the world, but they do too.
We're all going to save the world together.
So we are out learning how to save the world.
We thought maybe diplomacy was going to be part of it, but it seems like maybe not this time.
But fighting a monster?
Okay.
Saving some innocent people.
Definitely.
Now, that's world saving stuff.
We cut to the three of you on the farm.
The montage of getting ready, strapping knives from belts.
Terry's showing you how all of his armor works much more intricately.
There was a flap.
I just didn't want to talk about it.
And then we cut to the three of you at the most recently attacked farm with Terry.
He escorted you there so that you knew how to make it there.
Says, yes, the Haraldson farm here was hit just last night and was reported when a merchant came to collect the wool and found this.
This is gruesome.
Avert your eyes.
I already saw it.
Don't draw it again, okay?
It's real weird when you draw scenes like this afterwards.
Oh, no, I'm going to try to forget I ever saw this.
Probably best.
Is this a blanket or something we can put on top of them?
Is somebody going to come and...
Yeah, the coroner is on his way as well.
Okay, so...
And the livestock facility.
The whole facility?
The whole facility.
You know, they work as a family.
You know, if one goes out, they all go out.
Isn't that a faculty?
That too.
Is there a map that we could potentially look at all the farms that were hit and see if there's a pattern or something?
Oh, yeah, that's a good idea.
Sully looks to his friends like, huh?
Look at this idea I had.
This is strategizing, you guys.
This is the idea.
We cut to back at the castle in the war room, so to speak, where they have maps of everything.
And the three of you and Terry are plotting out the scene.
There's yarn.
Yeah, there's...
Thumbtacks.
Red yarn and thumbtacks.
And you find that between the eight farms, there is a cluster of a small forest, if you will, between these eight farms.
And all of the red lines go either around or through this farm.
Terry, has anyone checked these woods?
Because it seems like a good place if you were kind of a scary monster and you...
It seems like a good place to...
It is a central location between all these farms.
We checked the perimeters and found footprints that have gone off in several different directions from what we could presume was the creature.
But no, because as you can see here from the name, Dem's the Scary Woods.
Oh, I thought maybe it was pronounced like scurry or something.
I didn't know it was actually the word scary.
Yeah, no, it's the Scary Woods.
Well, into the woods.
We cut to the entrance of the Scary Woods.
Yeah, well, I went into the Scary Woods once when I was a kid and heard some strange noises and never been back in since.
What did the strange noises sound like?
I'm going to have to remember.
Motha?
Or murder?
What were you saying?
Motha?
Was it a word?
It wasn't a word.
Oh, you were just making sounds.
It sounded like a cow.
Oh, all right.
Yeah.
Oh, okay.
Was it like a tss, tss, tss, anything like that?
You know, now that you mentioned it, there might have been, might have been.
And what about like a aaah, aaah, aaah?
Have you heard it too?
Was it perhaps a oooo?
No, I don't think there's ghosts in this woods.
Oh, okay.
Good to know.
Or anyone playing a fairer man.
I mean, we ain't afraid of no ghosts, but just so we know what we're dealing with.
Yeah, well, it's good.
You got to know who to call when you hear a ghost.
Exactly.
That's right.
Are you coming in, or?
Are you gonna?
Yeah, no, yeah.
I mean, I'm your escort here.
I will escort you into the scary woods.
Do you need to hold my hand?
No.
I can see this.
Sorry that you have to like relive your childhood trauma here, Terry.
It's all right.
If you need to, though.
My hand's just dangling here, and you gotta, I mean, you gotta scoop, you gotta
stoop, but.
Yeah.
Oh, stooping in plate mail is totally easy.
And what are the woods like, Russ?
What kind of woods are we looking at?
What kind of woods?
Is it ferny?
Is it a temperate rain forest?
What are we dealing with?
Is it lots of like.
Weeping willows everywhere.
Thin trees, but grown closely together.
Like a birch.
Like a bunch of birch.
With no leaves, so it's kind of creepy and weird.
Oh, all right.
Yeah, it's kind of a mix of that.
So there's like birch trees.
And a temperate rain forest.
What an amazing ecosystem here.
I'm surprised they need to trade with anyone with all these different climates going on.
No, it's a mix of birch trees and pine trees.
There is a path that Terry has brought you to that does go in.
But as he has said, people generally try to avoid it.
I can't wait for like the one arborist who listens to our podcast to be like, this isn't a thing.
Birch trees and pine trees never grow together.
They need different soil acidities.
They had me for 200 episodes and lost me of birch trees and pine trees.
In a temperate rain forest.
So sorry, one arborist person.
Just going to put a blanket apology out there to all the arborists.
Thank you for listening.
It's a fantasy world.
Soil is whatever.
That's the world building we do.
That's the title.
It's a fantasy world.
The rule of the podcast.
Soil is whatever.
What about the ground cover?
What are we dealing with?
Is it seems crunchy?
Dry.
Would you say this is difficult terrain or?
Not from what you can see.
Okay.
If you go off the path, it is a little thicker.
There are bushes and shrubs and fallen branches and that sort of thing.
Just the natural undergrowth you would see in a temperate rain forest.
Pine birch forest.
Pine birch trees.
So lots of pine needles.
Yeah.
But yeah, not exceptionally difficult terrain.
It was nice of the nightgarm to have a trail even though this is a little used wood.
So do you think that's a trap or do you think if we follow this,
it's going to just lead to their home?
Maybe it's a lure, right?
Like, you know, oh, come on in.
Look at how undifficult this terrain is on this path.
Let's walk it.
The four of you, tarry in tow, head forth into the scary woods.
You carry on for 10 or 15 minutes and you hear a rustling up ahead.
It's just off the path.
Shhh.
Did you guys hear that?
I heard it.
I didn't hear it.
What did it sound like?
Terry, was that one of the sounds?
No, it's a new sound.
If I didn't already have my weapon drawn, I'm going to draw the Vorpal Sword just so I'm ready.
Yeah.
I grab my staff of adder.
Moot doesn't do much because he doesn't really have to prepare too much.
Trips his feather a little tighter.
A little bit, yeah.
Terry's carrying, what do we want Terry to be carrying?
Probably mace.
Sure.
Longsword.
Which is it, mace?
Or staff.
He's carrying all three.
Shields.
He's got a mace, a longsword.
He's very strong.
No, his weapon is like the handle is that of, that looks like it was forged from a quarter staff.
With a mace, which is the bally end, like the pokeball one, right?
Yeah.
You know, the pokeball one.
With like the head of a mace and a blade that wraps around it and extends further out.
Oh, Terry, is that a custom weapon?
I haven't really ever seen anything like that.
Terry, it's so badass.
Yeah.
Queen Caliqrist encourages individuality in our presentation and also in our weaponry.
Shit, son.
Yeah.
I mean, I know we're dealing with-
What's her name?
I mean, I know I'm dealing with a possible MIDB, monster into bushes.
But yeah, no, the quarter staff was my father's and he preferred the mace as a weapon and
I preferred the longsword.
So just incorporated them together.
Yeah.
To the monster.
Wait, hold on.
What's its name?
What's your name?
Oh, its name is-
He has his mouth like he's going to make an F sound, but all he can think about
is fart.
Valourian.
That was so worth the wait.
Oh my god.
So Tom's got nothing.
I just picture now the pommel is covered in this very soft fabric.
Feels so nice.
I remember when George from Seinfeld's wearing the Valour tracksuit.
Like that's what I'm picturing now for Terry.
Yep.
Yeah.
It's for comfort.
It's not great when you start to sweat in the heat of battle.
It's all about that, you know, expressing yourself.
Exactly.
Individuality on the battlefield is very important.
Okay.
Guys.
Fuck.
Sorry, we got to-
I have something I want to say.
Okay.
That's right.
Sully creeps over to the bushes like, okay, I'm going to take my staff and I'm going
to rustle it around in these bushes and then that IMDB is going to come out.
And you guys get him.
Ready?
It's the M-I-D-B.
IMDB is-
Ready.
No, it's okay.
We're ready.
Yep.
I stick my staff of adder in there and mix it about.
And turn yourself into a chicken?
That's a turkey noise.
Oh, I've heard that one before.
Yeah, you stir it up and you see out of the corner of your eye as you're doing that,
running into another bush, just like almost like a shadow of a figure.
It looks small and it's on four legs.
And it's on fire.
Oh, Jesus.
And it's on four legs and it just kind of zips and goes into like the bush adjacent.
Did anyone-
I didn't really get a good look at it.
But that can't be the nightgarm.
It seemed real small.
Right, Terry?
Yeah, no.
I mean, the nightgarm is large.
It's 10 or 12 feet tall.
He walks over to the bush and just kind of like peeks through.
It's just a dog.
Like a wolf?
Like a dog?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh.
You go look and there's this little gray hound-like dog, probably 40 pounds tops,
just kind of looking up at you with big wide saucer eyes.
Oh.
Hey, little buddy.
Kind of frozen still.
Why, I feel so bad shaking my staff at him now.
Did Sully scare you?
Kind of a little whimper.
Oh, so sorry.
I have a little bit of like, I don't know, dried pemmican in my pocket that I-
Oh, hey, little buddy.
You want to-
Roll animal handling.
I did not expect animal handling to be our first roll of the night.
No.
Oh, it was a nat 20.
Oh, this dog is now your best friend.
The dog can sniff it as you pull it out of your bag.
And as you get closer and kind of part the shrub a little bit more, you can see that it's-
you can see its ribs.
It shies away as you walk up to it first, but then smells the food and senses your calm
and moves in and takes the food from you.
Oh, good.
There you go, buddy.
Oh, you're so hungry.
I know this isn't what we're here for, but I-
Maybe-
It's probably not good, like, smart, you know, monster hunting move and something,
but maybe the dog can just come with us.
I mean, we can't just leave it here.
Look how hungry it is.
Oh, he's so hungry.
Glim, you feel like a paw at your bag.
Oh.
Oh, buddy.
You can come with us.
We're just monster hunting.
You can come.
Well, I mean, he already lives in this forest.
It's true.
He's probably seen it.
Hey, buddy, you seen the big scary thing?
It sounds like Terry.
Tell him what it sounds like.
Yeah, Terry, hit him with it.
Okay.
Oh, I don't want to scare the dog because it's kind of-
it's ferocious, but it's kind of like a-
from what I might have heard because I haven't actually seen it yet,
it's like a guttural sound, kind of like at the back of your throat.
Like,
Then as it swallows its victims, it's like,
the dog whimpers and runs back to the bush.
Oh, Terry, that was- I mean, much better.
Sorry, yeah.
Accurate.
No, it was a good job.
It was a good job.
Thank you.
Yeah, I hope that's exactly what it sounds like
because after I retire, I can go into like a voice acting business.
You could get some marionettes.
Yeah.
Back things out.
Do like monster stories.
You can act out our great victory in the woods today.
We just have to first-
Oh, that's a great idea.
We just have to do the victory first.
Get into the woods, too, because I can still see the outside.
Like, we've taken maybe 10 steps.
Yeah, no, we haven't traveled very far.
I mean, I felt like it was like 10 minutes, I think is what was said.
Felt like about 10 to 15 minutes.
Yeah, no, 10 steps.
Slow steps.
You know, you don't want to rush into these things, right?
One step every minute.
That's good monster hunters,
because then you can really just get the lay of the land
as you're walking.
Do you want to put that dog in your bag or something?
How do you carry a dog?
I don't have a very big bag.
Not you, Glim.
Oh.
I think, I mean, not right before we fight the monster.
Maybe you can get him to stay here.
But I think we should find the dog, yeah, when we-
we'll try again after.
I mean, he's kind of scooted off now.
But we'll make sure we get the dog.
And Terry, maybe you could take the dog back with you.
Oh.
Or he can come on adventures with us.
Oh, yeah, sure.
Yeah, either way.
I don't know.
What do you guys think?
Oh.
There was nothing in the destiny.
Nothing in the destiny said there wasn't a dog.
Oh.
That's true.
Good call, yeah.
All right.
Well, let's brainstorm some names as we're walking along here.
Okay.
Um, Scrappy.
Fido.
Ribs McGee.
We'll cut ahead another 15 minutes.
Marky Mark?
No, Barky Bark.
I think that's the winner.
Marky Bark is pretty good.
Marky Bark, any of those combinations of Barkies Markies.
Charles Barkley.
Also good.
Up ahead.
It's gotten thicker.
The canopy has gotten thicker as you've been walking.
And you've been having to clear cobwebs out of your path as you've been walking.
And you come to a fork in the road.
And you hear, as you're standing there, kind of waiting for Terry to tell you which way to go,
grumbling, very guttural.
I look at Terry to see if it's him.
Wasn't me.
Shaggy, that's what you should name the dog.
And then you hear a thundering crunch of a footstep, followed by another one.
You hear this snort coming from the trees up ahead.
And in the dark of these trees, you see two glinting red eyes that tower about 12 feet above the ground.
As the footsteps begin to increase pace, trees get knocked over and pushed apart
as this hulking bipedal wolf creature explodes out onto the path before you
and lets out this bellowing roar.
I'm going to have to remember that one.
Dumbgeons and Dragons Season 2 Episode 95 is starring Amy More as Sully, Carla Max dead as Glim,
Tom Laird as Moot, and Russ More as your dungeon master.
Editing, production, and sound design is by Russ More.
This episode featured music from Kavin MacLeod and Epidemic Sound,
and sound effects from Epidemic Sound, Boom Library, and Sound Ideas.
A huge thank you to our supporting producers.
Support Dumbgeons and Dragons and our many other productions
and get access to an exclusive podcast and bonus episodes,
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Thank you for listening. Have a great week. We'll talk again soon.
I didn't write down Tom.
I'm trying to guess.
Bursal Ball.
Samsonite.
Lonen. Lonen Borwin.
Ah, there was a B.
They're all Borwins.
Magistration.
Just glad they were masturbation.
It was so close.
It was right there.
Well, the sword was a contributing factor in driving Finbar myself and
should have grabbed the other sibling's name.
God damn it, son of a bitch.
Fuckface, because she hates them the most.
Breton.
Oh, he's a cracker.
Almost said a G name.
Of course he did.
Jim.
Terry.
Glim, Sully, what have you decided?
That's how words work.
What decided have you?
That's what I was going for, but then it didn't feel right in my mouth.
So I was like, no, abort.
All these cut scenes were happening here.
I like it.
Fuck travel.
Let's just do it.
Let's travel.
I want to roll some dice.
Every time we have travel, we run into weird characters that take you
to some Jason Halfman Zuccas' party.
And then we keep learning about Terry.
My dog's like, what the fuck?
Dogs are you feeding?
You talking to another dog?
He's looking at me like, I am actually.
Thank you for asking.
Roll animal handing over here, please.
Yeah.
Animal handle your way into some food, my bowl.
Thanks.
Dumbgeons and Dragons is a Dumb Dragons production.